Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.

This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I was just discussing this with my cat

[Alien vs Predator]

Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school

Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars

Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*

*table stretches to five pages*

Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: yes why

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Whoa 😂

So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.

Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings

*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*

[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.

Well, I WAS having a nice day.

(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.

Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.

My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?

Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*

Her: You need to multitask better

Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone

Her: That’s goo-

Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else

Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.

me: I forgot my line

movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip