When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Seems a bit forward
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.