When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”