When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
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my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Bike for sale
SQUARREL
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
10/10 no notes
