When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
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Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog