Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

[Shouts to passing jogger]

“Is there cake?”

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma

To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.

*6 hours later*

S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*

It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.

A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.