Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
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It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂