[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
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Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
2023 was just a warmup
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM