When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
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Traveler’s camo
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
*swipes right on my hand mirror
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10