When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
