When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: here? with you?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!