When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
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we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️