when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
You Might Also Like
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”