when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
