when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
cat vs inanimate object
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
This kid is a star!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
My torso when sleeping: “Make it 96 degrees and toasty please”
My arms and legs while sleeping: “Is this hell? I think we’re in hell! Abandon all blankets”
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“The lights are on but nobody’s home” is such a brutal way to say somebody’s dumb 😭😭😭😭😭
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
