Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills

deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)

I think I’ll stand

stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons

Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.

Me: We can wait a few days.

Wife: We’re out of beer.

Me: *dives in the car*

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!

A Monday every week is excessive

Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.

Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.

Finn was her brother.

Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady

Me: I want a snack.

Husband: You could have veggies.

Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.

My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed

It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.

I’ll see myself out.

Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.

[First Date]

HER: I love dogs.

ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before