When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
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My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.