Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.

Dammit.

“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

*first day at gymnastics class*

Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!

Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.

Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae

Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Grandpa

Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college

me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?

boss: hi

me: *pretends to read an email*

boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”

If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.

7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other

Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?

7: I need $20 and your car keys.

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake

[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow

A poor analogy is like a bad comparison

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

[church]

1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*

Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.

Wife: Nuclear power plants?

Me: Second worst place.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?

Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.

I hope google does well on my son’s test

“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.