When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Feels like the fourth month in January
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.