When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
You Might Also Like
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
People get upset when you bring a karaoke machine to a funeral.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me