When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
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Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Saturday
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.