When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?