When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
you will never know the true number of layers
She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”