When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
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Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth