Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.

She turned around and found out I was walking her home.

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

so cool that kids can now text you from school and ruin your day in real time

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

being a writer on Twitter:

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong

Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”

[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.