Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!

You look like you would fail a DNA test

harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal

What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahh

Yeah, I felt that.

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.

Yeah, I’ll go with that.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

what the

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

*me trying new contouring makeup

Them: now just blend it…blend it

ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?

THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?

Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style

[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]

*updates social media with selfie*

Bring food,

No weirdos.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away

Me asks *my kid to do his home work*

My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?