When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
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My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.