When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
You Might Also Like
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.