When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
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Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?