When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!
Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?
3:…
Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?
3:…
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.