Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Me: oh no please stop stabbing me

Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this

Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth

Me: No way

Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?

Me: Yes, that sounds delightful

Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.

Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM

Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.

Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.

When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.

Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.

You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!

ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell