When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
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Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.