Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

If you drink a lot of water, you won’t have time for other people’s drama because you’ll be too busy looking for a bathroom.

[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”

If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.

It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.

Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for

Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

Me: *looking fly*

Target self-checkout camera: lol no

Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!

Put on my glasses….

Damn it!

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office

Satan: yeah, welcome to hell

Me: well, I guess it could be worse

Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust

#titanic

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce

Her: the what?

Me: the Westminster Shore sauce

Her: are you having a stroke?

Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce

Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-

Me: the Willmington Scone sauce

Her: please, it’s getting worse

Me: the Wank-

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.