Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.

I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

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The Chosen Phew

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

You: What happened to your hand?

Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.

I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?

Farmer: Barley.

Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…

Taking phone security to the next level.

💀💀

Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do

Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?

Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.

Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?