Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Electricians.)

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”

Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”

[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]

Me: ya know you can fly !

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..

Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.

I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]

Me: Wow, you used to be hot

Wife: *death glare*

Me: …but not as hot as you are now

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Hobbies Include:

Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.

a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

Hey, want to be best friends again?

-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.

the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.