When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
![]()
You Might Also Like
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
She was REALLY feeling it.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Something Saturday.
![]()
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
![]()
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way