When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks


Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.


Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.


Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.


Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store


Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.


me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?


JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat


aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?


My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.