Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Me, “I rest my case.”
When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
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there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash
I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Siri: Retweet me.