By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
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Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
be careful
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Body by sandwich.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING