@rachellinfox

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

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@squirrel74wkgn

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

@TheMichaelRock

I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn’t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

@jtrulez

Please Choose a Sears Portrait Background:

1. Autumn Leaves
2. Toenail Fungal Infection
3. Country Cabin
4. Alarmed Possum

@wolfpupy

people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.

@PeaceInTruth1

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

@cwhudson

SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on

@ElliceRocks

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

@TheAndrewNadeau

HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.

{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.