@rachellinfox

When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

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@jonnysun

i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks

@2questionable

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

@GorillaNipples1

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

@mack44_d

Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.

@Celestinelea90

Husband called & asked what I was cooking for dinner then we laughed and laughed and then he said seriously what do you need at liquor store

@_Enanem_

Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.

@SCbchbum

me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?

@mynameisntdave

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

@imshitimsorry

aesop: man what you did was not cool. like imagine if a fox did what you did to me, and i was a goose. that makes it much clearer right?

@tigersgoroooar

My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.