When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.

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Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.

Judge, “Don’t.”

Me, “I rest my case.”


there was a girl on tv show who was crying sayin “i miss america” and it was real sad until someone corected her grammar and gave her a sash


I don’t understand Dentists. I’m sitting here with like.. knitting needles in my mouth and they think I can answer stupid questions.


Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.


I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”