When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
Truth or Dare would be a much funnier game if you told a truth and people had to guess the question. For example, someone says “Since we met” and the question could either be “How long have you been in love with me” or “How long have you been wanting to kill me”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
What base is it when he watches you fall off your barstool with a mouthful of loaded fries?
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
I’m giving up ice.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”