When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
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We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
That 👊
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
