Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot

Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body

Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.

I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that

Pikachu found the lost joint

Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

*eulogy*

Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo

Me: dad always hated my banjo

M: whew

Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

I’m in a hotel and someone named Emily has multi mode turned on. Should I connect to her speaker and put on this playlist

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

him: i like athletic girls

me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk

him: not like that

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!