when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
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When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless