When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
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“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
This makes total sense…
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My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
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