When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
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[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
if i’m ever in a coma please put chapstick on my lips
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
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[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.
