Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.

Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*

“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”

Walked through a haunted house and just kept muttering to myself about how much I liked the aesthetic of each room, like I was shopping for a house. And then a guy with a chainsaw would jump out or something and I would be like ok geez

wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly

me: u didn’t even turn it on

I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.

And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.

*watching our 7yo’s softball game*

Me: Where’s our kid?

Him: The one dancing

Me: Ah, yes