When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
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“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I should be able to make a divorce registry at Target.
you left your water bottle on the roof of the car. oh wait, never mind, it won’t fall. the babies holding it
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.