When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Smallpox sounds so adorable
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
