When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
i really like this french girl on tiktok the only thing she does is post these videos of her trying to pronounce english words and idk she is just such a diva i love her
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Shark week, but for squirrels.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
