When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
So, can we agree on 4 or
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.