When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
You Might Also Like
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a