When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
You Might Also Like
We have reached my favorite portion of the Thanksgiving program. My mother just yelled, “There’s too many people in this GotDamn kitchen. Now get out and get ready to say the blessing.”
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
A great first step 😂
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Me trying to look natural in photos
If you like pointing out beautiful scenery to three people who are on their phones, a family road trip is for you!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
In case you needed to hear it:
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.