Dude open the door!
*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.
Whenever I’m waiting for an elevator & the door finally slides open I pretend I’m on a Game Show & just won a group of people
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
Her: lemme see your phone
Me: I forgot my fingerprint .
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[Showing a friend around the house]
Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn.
*motions to area covered in popcorn.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.