@ConanOBrien

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

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@robfee

Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.

@Breadery

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

@UnFitz

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@SeanEmeny

“My place is a mess” – Every girl, ever…. “Well in that case, I’m not coming in” – No guy, ever

@tigersgoroooar

If you want a Christmas card from me, message me your address and pray I die and get reincarnated as someone who gives a shit what you want.

@andlikelaura

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

@the_gramble

Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason

@ch000ch

[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers

@WilliamAder

My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.

@TheAlexNevil

First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.