@ConanOBrien

When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@baronvonbike

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

@djr_102

There’s an epidemic in Britain that makes vulnerable young women inexplicably attracted to douchebags who miss leg day.

@rebrafsim

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

@MourningGlory_

I just ate an entire bag of Werther’s and now I’m 80 years old, own a floral couch, smoke Virginia Slims, got a perm and my name is Shirley.

@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@thedailymarker

When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.

@karanbirtinna

Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.

@beefman138

My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.

@KKAlThani

Owls always look like they’ve just found out that they’ve been cheated on.