When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
There is no try. There is only give up.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
The word Ohio looks like a tractor
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Whisper out to librarians!
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for