When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
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“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Saw online –
Bed should get ready for ME
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
wtf is a larm clock?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.