when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
two people or more is called a problem
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I’m not proud
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate