Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON

If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage

Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.

Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”

So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

the saddest jazz hands ever

Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished

Me: yes, I do!

Wife: do the laundry

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.

Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.

I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

[murder scene]

MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.

Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks