When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.