When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
How dramatic are you?
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
It’s a gift
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
idk what he going thru but i feel him
