When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
it may seem bad right now, but at least everyone is armed. and completely unhinged.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
If I was a hairdresser, I’d hold up a chopping board instead of a mirror just to see how many people still go ‘yeah that’s great’.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.