Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean

*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?

Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going

We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”

Wouldn’t that be something?

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.

Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki

if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.