Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.

[at a football game]

my kid: can i get a giant foam finger

me: no

my kid: why not

me: because you already ate three of them at halftime

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

Everyone else: hold my beer

Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit

Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?

me: *gets in the cart* yes.

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.

Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?

Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.

*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*

Me: “How do you pronounce that?”

Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.

ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??