When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
anywhere a walkable city if u broke enough
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
That time Alicia messaged me
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.