When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.