When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”