When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
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My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
*plane starts to crash*
Don’t worry, Jesus is my co-pilot
*looks over to see Jesus jumping out with the only parachute*
Well hell
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.