When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
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I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
We’ve all been there…
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
what the
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
There should be a product swap booth on the way into Costco, you can bring the massive package of snacks that your kid used to like and exchange it for the huge box of snacks that some other kid has rejected