Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now