“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Celebrated fall by going to the state fair and spending a mortgage payment on deep fried oreos and water.
They’re the worst 😩
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I need one of those breweries with like a hundred things on tap but for different kinds of soup. A stewery if you will
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
lost dog
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were