“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
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Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING