When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
who wants to go expliring
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The hardest part about people walking into my office, is convincing them that I have a cat when they spot the litter box.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Sorted
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
