When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up
My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.
Me:
My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.
Me: 😑
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I need to babyproof my house.
I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
The little toadstool has spoken.
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.