when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
traffic be dumb as hell cause what that first person in line be doing
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies