Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.

[poorly lit restaurant]

me: I can’t see the menu

wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles

me: no I want food

My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Me: I’m smart!

Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!

Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020