When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Grandmother clock.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.