When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.