When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Happy Caturday!
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
She said she wanted to eat at “the most expensive place in town” so here we are at the stadium concession stand.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U