Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.

Douche.

me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though

food blogger:

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.

my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS

even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.