Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow

Coworker: How’s your worksite?

Me: I can see my work fine thank you.

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?

Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?

You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?

*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.

Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo

I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*

Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*

Cop: Sir?

Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.

[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.

co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol

Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted

I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.

I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.