Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU

*shakes buy one get one free coupon*

Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.

[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*

Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.

My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.

Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place

no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!

But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…

I said be quick about it!

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days

I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

him : can you name the shapes?

me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-

him : no I didn’t mea-

me : …Harry the hexagon

him: will you just st-

me : Dave the dodecahedron

There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.

nobody:

TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in